This colourful cartoon depicts the Practice of Aikido in the cold frosty North of England and the Softer approach to it in the Warm Palm tree land of the South John Harding country Where it apparently never rains!! And Aikidoka walk around in designer shorts.
In the Cold and frosty North they have to chip the Ice off the mat before practice can begin, and remove the buckets that caught last nights water from the roof.
I was outraged to read in the papers that a young man named Crawford Parnaby who was in Thailand practicing his chosen art was savagely beaten with a cane by the authorities. All he did was spray paint on a few cars, but I had to pay a young lady in Soho a hundred quid for the same treatment. Where's the justice?
Mr Jon Narding (Hampshire)
Dear Mr Narding
You can't complain really, you know. If you had gone to one of the better public schools, you could have been thrashed regularly, but it would have cost your parents ten grand a year. A hundred quid is quite cheap, compared with the cost of an air fair to Thailand and a can of aerosol paint.
I cannot give you my name because I am in the porice farce, but I do have probrems of an insclutable, orliental fravour. Rike your plevious collespondent, I too have a dog wif only free regs, and I am velly concerned about expeliments on rabolatory animals. I fink it is tellible that psychorogists make lats go lunning about in mazes. What can be done about it?
I share your concerns. Like yourself, I love animals - in fact, I eat them all the time. Fear not, however. Univercities are in the process of doing away with experiments on rats, and instead are going to experiment on police officers. Psychological experiments have apparently shown that people just don't' get so attached to police officers, so that's all right, then.
Cynthia's Handy Hint: "Live every day as if it were your last. Spend the rest of your life in an intensive Care Unit on a Saline Drip, and a rubber tube up your nether regions"
My life seems to be a complete waste of time nowadays, and I do not feel as if I can take anymore. Last month my wife ran away with the milkman; not only that, but our last twenty years now seems like a complete sham. And if that wasn't enough, my son has just told me that he fancies blokes and hangs around public toilets, my daughter has just been arrested for prostitution, and our dog has only three legs. All this might be pretty humdrum to you, but my real problem is that, no matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to get the hang of Irimi-Nage. Where have I gone wrong in my life?
Oh, dear this is a common problem, and you are not alone. Nearly everyone has difficulty with Irimi-Nage, and the solution to this terrible state of affairs is to follow the advice of your sensei diligently. As you practice your technique, you will find that your other problems will fade into insignificance. So what, if your wife is no good, and your son is a raving kharzi cruiser? Your daughter will be OK, too: a friend of mine is a lady of the night and she reckons business is so good that if she had another pair of legs she could open up in Jarrow. You just carry on as you are, and remember that other people are in a worse state.
I am a young woman who has been practicing this martial Arts malarkey for a very long time now, and I just don't seem to be making enough progress. My Sensei has said that he likes my graceful movements, my determination and my huge knockers, but I thought that by now I should have a Black belt at the very least. After three lessons already, I am very discouraged. How can I get into bed with my Sensei?
This is a common problem. You have to realise the your martial arts teacher is bound by a very strict code of ethics, which does not allow him to take advantage of any of the students he takes under his instruction. In such a situation, it would be completely wrong for him to take advantage of your innocent trust; you are after all, there to learn your chosen art, and he is there to teach you, in a situation of mutual trust and respect. I think your teacher is holding true to the ethical principles that guide him and maintain his personal integrity.
Then again, he might be as bent as a corkscrew. Personally, I don't know which way you should turn.
Quite honestly, I am Extremely worried about the soaring crime rate, and wonder whether you can give me some advice.
Women these days just aren't safe. Should I take up a Martial Art, or what?
I, too, used to have this worry, and took up the little known art of Wang King. I spent many years of diligent training, perfecting my techniques, and I must say that this gave me enormous self-confidence. So much so, in fact, that I was able to go out looking for blokes just to kick the shit out of them. However, perfecting a martial Art takes such a long time,and,quite honestly, a kick in the goolies is better than all the kung fu in China anyway.
By the way, it was kind of you to send me a photograph of yourself. Having studied it, I can tell from your face that you are not the sort of person who is going to find herself unprepared if the worst should happen. If you do find that you are the victim of a man's unwanted sexual advances, just remove your paper bag. That should do the trick, and no mistake.
Cynthia's postbag often contains surprises. Here is a letter from the DNA (National Association of Dyslexics):
O uftin git loiters lik thus. At as sumtims deficilt ta no wit ta soi un rispince. Brifly, a wud soi thabist thong far yu wid bee ta fook uf, you winker.
"Supplied by Sergeant Neekor of the Police Farce."
Herro, evelybody. To make Chicken Neekor, you will need one chicken.
"Mefod and plepalation"
Take you chicken and prace it on the table. Then, take a Katana or, if you do not have a Katana, then a Tanto will do.
Carefurry sharpen the brade of the Katana, and porrish it to a high shine.
Then, rift the brade above your head, and, as the rays of the afternoon sun are refrecting from the shiny steel, bling the razor-sharp edge down smartly onto the neck of the tellified fowl, thus kirring it.